How to Slack off on Your Gym Workout & Sabotage Your New Year Resolution!

It is not if you break your New year resolution, it is when. And on that positive note, let us begin.

Here are the masterly tips to make or fake on the way to a fitter, slimmer & healthier you. You know as well as I do that the journey is better than the destination, don’t you? Let us do all we can to prolong the journey.

First tip : Choose wisely.

It begins with the choice of the gym. Gyms with personal fitness instructors are a strict no-no. They are not to be tolerated. Personal fitness instructors are sadistic monsters, aren’t they? They get paid for counting reverse from fifteen to zero while you are busy hauling boulders on your shoulders. And guess what, they make a hash of even the counting. They slow down the count just when you are pushing yourself to the limit egged on by the steady momentum of their countdown. How cruel can they be! So, don’t choose these monsters. Choose a gym where a number of people will work out together under the eyes of one instructor. This strategic choice is a masterly move. Better still, join a mixed group, people of different age-groups. Why? Keep reading.

Second tip : Be the first one inside the gymming space.

You have to make a good first impression. And then melt into the crowd for good. Be the first one to stride into the gymming space. And be the master of warm-ups. If you master warm ups, you have got it made. Truth be told, if all works out well, the warm-ups might be the only quality exercise you will be getting. So be happy. Ease your conscience. But the reason why you do the warm-ups is different. Warm-ups signal intent. Show positive intent. That makes the ready-at-hand instructor mentally check your name off his list of people he doesn’t need to push and prod. Have you met a worker who does not appreciate a lighter workload? So, go ahead. Make his day.

Be warned : Some instructors might want to get cosy and do small talk. Beware. That is dangerous. You don’t want them to love you so much that they start seeing the next Mr.Universe in your rickety frame. Act like a Zen master who is mindfully going through the ritual. Hold the dumbells like lit candles & present a picture of godly devotion and faith to the Gods of fitness! The instructor should feel this is sacred space. It helps to ward off the devil inside of him who cares for our health and well-being!

Third tip : Time your toilet-breaks for opportune moments.

As you put on the sacred ritual act, the rest of the group joins in. Just as the instructor starts getting into his stride, you wait for the either the most difficult exercise, the one where he moves around the whole room to supervise; or the new exercise he is introducing. This is a great time for a toilet-break.

Instructors are not fools. They will notice it if you do that all the time. So mix and match it up. Master at least one difficult exercise that comes easy to you but is difficult for senior citizens. That is the advantage of mixed groups. Everybody gets to shine no matter how lousy they are. Yes, you too!

Another move : Master the beginning level of another difficult exercise. This is tougher than it seems. You must be very good as a beginner for that exercise, but always appear stuck at that level. For this exercise, you motion to your instructor and seek his guidance. Yes, he will make you work hard on this. But remember, you have chosen when to let the instructor into your sacred space. No way can you now be accused of taking things easy. Hell, you make the instructor feel he has earned his pay for the day. Feel blessed on that count.

There is a time-out in a work-out session. Don’t trouble your bladder that moment. You are a unique individual. Don’t follow the herd. Make your peeing serve a purpose. Let the purpose emerge every once in a while.

Fourth tip : Wear shoes with shoe-laces that come off every now and then.

A toilet break is a long break. This break is a short one. But boy, when you are lugging iron, grinding your teeth, and gasping for breath, this is the best respite of your life. It is like your private individual countdown – the time left for the shoe-laces to come off. And remember, you must show you hate what is happening. Grimace,curse yourself, and appear upset at the momentum being broken. Then, face away from everybody and proceed to tie the shoe-laces & set a new countdown. Vary the timings. Stomp the floor to get the timings right.  Your footwork is the control-mechanism for the countdown.

Fifth tip : Stay far away from women who look good.

Your instructor, if he be a man, is known to you. He is just like you are. A woman who looks good turns him into the most conscientious professional. This do-gooder cannot brazenly lavish his attention on the woman. There is a job to be retained. So, he does the next best thing for himself. He takes great interest in those who are working out in close proximity to the woman. Which is the worst thing for you if you happen to be one of them.

So, when you see a woman who looks good to you, move to a part of the room where the instructor’s sweep of gaze cannot take in both you and the woman.  Not that the bugger is interested in even looking at you. But you see, he is using you as a bait. He sees another male, a contender to the game of thrones. He walks to you just to find something wrong in you. It is his territory. The monster, the dragon, the whitewalker tears you to pieces but keeps you alive. So that he can linger on, and stay at hand to help anybody in the near vicinity.

This is your worst nightmare come true. Stay far away.

The last tip is a mindful practice. Whenever the instructor is moving around the room, learn to evaluate how close he is from listening to his voice. Save your best moves for when he is right over and above you. And the moment, his back to turned, let go of all the sincerity. Feel light. Feel blessed. You are on a longer route to a slimmer, fitter, and healthier you. You don’t like to cut corners, after all.If there is a harder way of doing something, you are up for the challenge.

May the force of inertia be with you.

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